Jump Start My Kaleidoscope Heart

As we grow older our desires change. I remember when I was younger- my first boyfriend at fourteen told me that if I married him he would buy me a cow and we would live on a farm, grow cherries, and he would write me poetry every day. Those were all the things I wanted in a future life. At seventeen, my boyfriend told me that if I waited for him on his mission he would buy me a beach house, where we would have two Alaskan huskies, and he would take me to concerts every week- once again telling me the fantasies that I had at the time. Last year at this time, my boyfriend was pleading with me to marry him and he would give me all the things I wanted- a burnt orange car, a garden full of flowers, and a condo in New York City. Any of those worlds I imagined seem so foreign to me now. I don't think I want Alaskan Huskies, a garden, or to live on any farm. My future life that I have in my minds eye has changed as much as my sporadic taste in men.

I wouldn't mind waking up to this every morning....

That's the great thing about life- you get everything you need at the time. The key is being open to change, and accepting. Holding on to a stale dream keeps you from growing and experiencing.

This Sunday one of my friends was telling us that she was going to finish college before having children, but they found out two days later she was pregnant. Seeing her excitement made me realize- you can't plan life. Yes it is nice to have an idea of where you want to be- but the road getting there (or not getting anywhere near there) is the exciting part. It's all about striving to end up somewhere- and being happy with where ever you go along the way.

My dream green/pink house

I now have different men who are offering me different worlds- different endings- and trying to pinpoint my "ideal future" and show me how they could best fulfill that gap. Yes I think now that I want a small house in Oregon by my parents, with a big backyard and a small dog to keep the children company- but that isn't the thing that's important. Life may lead to me Alaska with a husband who hates animals, and I know I could be happy- who knows? Maybe even happier then I would have been in my fantasy. Life is better then any made up scene but sometimes we are so busy planning- we don't see how much happier the present could be. The important part is to enjoy the moments in between now and ever after.