How to Spot a Stalker

 I have been stalked. And when I say stalked I don’t mean “oh this boy sent me so many texts in one day about how he loves me.” I mean, police involved, don’t travel alone, hide your identity, stalked. 

I still feel myself break out in a cold sweat whenever I hear his name. I still shake slightly when an unknown number calls me. I still avoid the mailbox.  I still feel uncomfortable using my last name in large groups of people, acting as if there is some radar that alerts him when it is uttered. I still start crying when I walk in the door and feel like something in the room has moved while I was gone. I pace the floors at night when I hear the slightest shuffle outside my window. And worst of all-  I have a panic attack and stop functioning the second I get a text from him.

The worst thing about being stalked is there are little to no legal precautions you can take if you can’t prove who it is that is doing such. Do you know how frightening it is to feel like a sitting target for someone who could snap at any moment? Do you know how scary it is to have your family know immediately who to go after if you end up missing or dead in a ditch?

So what is my point of this? Anyone who has been in this type of situation will typically do anything to avoid a repeat scenario at all costs. So when dating I look out for the red flags. If someone commits one I then proceed to cut them out of my life with little hesitation or explanation. Is it fair? Probably not. Do I think all of them are stalkers waiting to happen? I’m pretty sure they aren’t. But I’d rather be safe than scared; I’d rather run away then wait to find out; and I’d rather be alone forever than find myself scanning faces in crowds with an escape route ready to go. So I thought, after much consideration, I should probably warn people what the red flags are from one girl who has been stalked. So you don’t commit them, and you don’t fall for them.

1. You send me a text berating me for not responding to another text you sent less than five minutes ago.

I might be in the middle of something, I might be planning to text you back, heck I might even be writing a response. Nothing justifies this. Unless of course it’s a yes or no text you need an answer ASAP on- in which case pick up the phone and call me. Also a no no- calling me more than twice in a two hour period. I saw your missed call. Calling more than once is just extreme. And you don’t need to contact me on fifteen different forms of communication in the same hour. They all go to my phone. I will either get back to you or I won’t.

2. Don’t discuss my innocence- either to praise it or to critique it.

Unless I’m cheating on you. Then you can call me a whore all day long. But stalkers tend to have this obsession that they want a girl be dirty for them, but innocent to everyone else. You’ve heard the stories before- a girl talks to someone else and gets a note in the mail that she is a dirty slut. No ones innocence should be tied to someone else’s perception of it.  

3. Don’t blame your feelings OR ACTIONS on me.

Do not give me a speech about how your emotions are my fault. I can’t force you to feel anything. You entertain and feed your own emotions. And you choose your own actions.  You can find fault with my actions but not my existence. My standing here isn’t forcing you to fall in love with me, or be jealous of me, or peer into my window late at night.

4. Don’t treat me as if I owe you something when you do something nice.

A relationship shouldn’t be about evening scores, or “equality”. If you decide to do something nice it doesn’t mean I owe you something. I am not required to do something for you in return. Vice versa, when I do something nice for you I am doing it out of the kindness of my heart to show I care- not because it’s owed.

5. You do not need to know my schedule at all times.

6. Like above- I do not owe you every free second of my time.

We are not married, and even if we were that doesn’t mean that every breath of air I breathe has to be in your presence. Like Alanis Morissette said “I believe that one and one make two.” I don’t want to be your entire life, it’s exhausting. I don’t want you to be mine. If I choose to be with you it’s a choice not an obligation.

7. You don’t need to know more about me than anyone else.

The more we hang out that stuff will come up, but until then people who have known me longer will probably know more things about me. That’s how it is supposed to be.

8. Don’t show up random places to check up on me.

9. Don’t tell me how I feel.

Are you inside my head? Are you Sookie Stackhouse where that you can read my every thought? No? Then don’t tell me how I’m feeling. You are just projecting how you want me to feel to try and control me. Saying “You are so into me” in a non teasing way doesn’t automatically make me so into you.

10. Don’t talk all about your needs, and how me or other people haven’t fulfilled them.

If we have a problem in the relationship- like the fact that I suck at using my phone- say “look when this happens it makes me feel like this.” But don’t launch into some long speech about how you are a cup that needs to be filled with water made of attention, longing, and appreciation. You should be able to give those things to yourself. If you feel under appreciated- tell me that but don’t come at me with all the things you expect of me to feel happy about yourself.

11. Don’t say you hate me but you love me.

They say there is a thin line between love and hate. The media would want you to believe that. But have you noticed that that bipolar relationships always end in a big blow up? Now anyone, if they spend enough time around another person will have days where they are annoyed at each other. But there is a very different feeling between annoyance and hate. There should be no part of you that hates me. That’s not how love works.

12. I should not be everything to you, or you me.

A persons world should be made up of the many things people can bring to it- not just one. I don’t want a limited experience, a partial perspective, or a singular world I can exist in.

13. I do not dress based on what you like.

You don’t like red lipstick on me? Well it’s my lips and I do. I might take your opinion into consideration, after all I want to look nice for you. But it isn’t my main concern. 

14. Do not manipulate me.

It is never cute. Don’t try to force me into doing things, guilt trip me to get your way, force other people into dramas that should stay between us, or go back on compromises I have made. I told you I could only see you for twenty minutes- it better be twenty minutes regardless of how you plan on impressing me. In general be respectful of my time. No beginning date should be more than a couple hours.

15. If I tell you I’m not interested- let it go.

No matter how much you fight, complain, text me, call me, stalk me, facebook me, talk about us-  it won’t change. I’m not secretly in love with you, I’m not hiding things from myself, and I’m not going to change my mind based on your inability to let it go.