Finding myself making every possible mistake.

It’s amazing what being a serial dater can teach you. Well if you choose to let yourself learn anything. And once you make the choice to learn from your mistakes it is impossible to stop learning.  Inside you feel like you are such a different person from a couple months ago. And your mind is swirling with new ideas, new concepts and trying to make peace with all of them. The scariest part is when you have to ask yourself- Have I been dating wrong my whole life? Have I ever really felt love? Did I learn anything? Is it learning if I don’t write it down and apply it? 

I have been questioned on my dating style twice in the past two days, and it made me want to prove I have not done it for naught. I didn’t go through the boy who couldn’t kiss, to the boy who couldn’t stop kissing other people, to the boy who had a foot fetish, , to the boy who told me I had a fat tummy, for nothing.  I want to write down everything that my head has tried to comprehend the past couple days; but I can’t even vocalize half of the things. But this is me trying.

Where did I go wrong?

I have spent the past three years of my life trying to get back to the emotions I had with the first boy that broke my heart. In that process I met another boy that did quite another number on me. And ironically enough both of those boys were reckless with the heart they held in their possessions. I look at both of those relationships and I realize that I was in an unfair position. I understand, and can see now that they both were holding back all their love and affection I so desperately craved. As they held back that affirmation I was searching for, I went to more crazy and dramatic lengths to obtain it, which only made them have more power. And while I know I would never want a relationship like that in the long run- I can’t stop myself from craving the emotions. But is it the unsurity that sparked the emotions? Or the emotions that sparked a fear of loosing them? Do I crave the feeling that for once I don’t have control, or do I crave the heat, the flame, and passion?

Without answering that question for myself I continued on dating. I went through life closing myself off from getting hurt. So sure that in any future relationship I would control the way it worked, I would have the power. That way no one could hurt me. I was determined not to let another one of the “former ones” in again. But I also was looking for exactly what I had with them. I justified it as “God let me know what love was like so I would recognize it the next time it comes along.” But was it love?  What I had with them was one big ball- the good couldn’t be separated from the bad. It was all one big glob of emotions. Was it even possible to find someone who could make my heart feel like it was going to burst, without putting it in a state of fear and insecurity first? Is that feeling really love?

So then my idea of “searching” was serial dating. I spent every night of the week on a date with a different person. If I started to really gravitate towards someone I would spend two weeks with them straight. There would be no kissing, but lots of insinuations that it was going to go somewhere, hand holding, meeting friends and family, ect. And as soon as I found a valid reason to knock them off the pedestal I tried to force them on, I would leave with little explanation. Then one day- I was forced to look at my life. What do I see in my future?

In my dream future I would have a husband that is handsome, rich- so a profession like a doctor or dentist, kind to everyone around him, outgoing, daring/advernerous, smart (IQ wise and street wise), driven to achieve greatness, a wonderful father, spiritually devoted to the church, forward and totally into me and just me, exciting, witty, and someone that I always want to ravage him against a wall. We would never fight and when we did it would be full of cute banter and end in spontaneous sex. My body would hum for his, and my heart would never be complete without him. I would find him the most attractive man ever, and he would do anything for me. But I do not live inside a romantic comedy. And there is no such thing. Even if there was- there is no way in hell he would go for me. Yet I wasn’t willing to settle for anything less. These wonderful men I played and rejected found women who appreciated them for the honest things they brought to the table instead of getting hung up on small shortcomings.

But love is like an equation. The total number of affection has to add up to fifty. But I got so lost in the things that had small weight. While kind to others, and patient would be weighted 20 points, I would find myself searching for all the small weighted attributes like movie star sexy (2 points), or knows how to dress himself (1 point). I forgot the big picture. Then I would get angry when the people who added up to 12 in small things didn’t add up to the real deal for me. So I started trying to choose people that best suited my fifty point adjusted fantasy.

My “former ones” lacked a lot of the big attributes. This made them exciting, but exciting doesn’t last forever. And sometimes I couldn’t see this because I was so busy exploring the passion. Kissing is the closest you can get to someone without actually having to see them. The small points things can change, but the big pointer items typically don’t. I would rather have a husband that goes to the screaming child when I have had a long night, than the husband who listens to exactly the type of music I like. I would rather have someone patient and kind, than someone who looks like he could be on a billboard. I would rather have someone I can trust behind my back then someone who knows how to romance the pants off of everyone.

But realizing this and putting it into practice are two totally different things. How do you tell yourself to not want it all? This month is a prime example in and of itself. So first I dated the man who is a fifty. But I kept coming back to the whole “lack of passion” thing. It’s hard to give up on the idea of passion when that was the basis of a lot of your previous relationships. Can that be solved? I have yet to know. Is it something you should settle on? I have no idea. Then next came the boy with all the passion- that honestly has good characteristics. But if there are positive points, then there are negative points as well. This boy made me want to spend every night kissing him, but he couldn’t commit to one person. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life competing with other women. Not in the adjusted dream plan. Next came the boy who sweeped me off my feet in a week. Then he chose not to be with me because his friend liked me as well. This one didn’t prove my point one way or another. I didn’t know him well enough to know if we had passion, or if I wanted passion. I also didn’t know him well enough to know if he was a good guy or not. But I learned that I can put myself out there, get rejected, and be fine. The world didn’t end. Last was the boy that every time I added him up I got different numbers. I couldn’t figure out how many points career choice was worth. Because sometimes career choice was synonymous with passion, and other times it instead was financial stability. Then while I spent a majority of my time pondering this wonderful aspect I was ignoring other things I should have been paying attention to. That day I realized something important- maybe my main problem is I over think everything.

And like a girl that over thinks everything I went to find someone to talk to about it.

To be continued.