I still wish you'd fought me til your dying day

The more I write this blog- the more the married people in my life have started to try to educate me about marriage, dating, and their take on things. I am so thankful because this is what I started the blog for- to learn. And while all the married/engaged people have different stories, different ways they came to be- it's clear to me that everything in life comes down to timing.

 After four sundays in a row of dating lessons- there is one thing I have come to understand- the church really wants us to get married. I get it- us single people are menaces to society, ect, ect. The church seems to think if they keep reminding us how terrible our situation is, we will suddenly go on campus with a sign on our foreheads that says "Marry me." And as much as I advocate the easy way of doing things, I have also learned that dating itself does not lead to marriage. I have been on more dates then a fat kid eats twinkies, and meanwhile every day in provo some 18 year old is getting engaged to her first kiss. Yet this Sunday when they announced our topic of discussion was dating, and Seth and I gave each other that "kill me now" look, little did I know they would give me something I would be pondering all week. Instead of saying "Men ask women out, women say yes and get married" - they told us to be prepared for dating. A recently engaged man was asked to talk and he said that he always knew he wanted to get married, and figured it would just fall in his lap. So after making out with numerous girls, realizing he was nowhere closer to the one,  he decided to get serious. He had the feeling that Heavenly Father wanted him to work on himself before he met the one. So he made a list of things to work on, so that when she finally walked into his life- he was in a place for a serious relationship. Then everything in my life started to make sense.

I was looking at a note that my friend wrote me in church a couple weeks ago that says "I am so glad you didn't actually marry that man you wanted to years ago or else we wouldn't have met and I wouldn't have been able to love you as much as I do." And instead of feeling sad, I was overwhelemed by how thankful I was too. I think of how much I have grown since then, and it shocks me. When I think about how much I grown in the past two weeks- it astounds me. Marriage is less about finding the right person, because there are tons of people that you could be good for, but more about being ready for it.

I have heard so many stories right now from my engaged and married friends and it is no coincidence that they all have the same things to say "As soon as I worked on my depression, he fell into my lap", "It took us two years because, while we were right for each other, we weren't in the right place and had so much to learn", "As soon as I learned to be happy with where I was in life, along he came." I think back on my long list of varying boys, some that I even thought momentarily could be my forever- and it makes me smile. In my head it's like a cake. Frosting is good on it's own, as is cake- but combined they are amazing. If I had tried to marry any of the men, it would have been like combining cake mix that has no flour with frosting that has no milk- a mess. The point is to be able to stand on your own, as a finished product, not just hope to find yourself in someone else.

So I have officially made a list of things to work on. It's up on my bathroom mirror. I know in my heart, I am not ready for marriage or love, but I need to start working on it. I'd rather be getting prepared so that when the right man falls from the sky- I will be ready. And most of all- everyone should be working on themselves anyways. Even if ten years from now, I am still cooking mac and cheese for one, I will be content knowing that I am improving every day. That I am working towards being a better person, a better me. So that if he never comes along- I will be happy with myself in the end.

Love doesn't mean looking for happiness in someone else. Love can't grow until you love yourself, and accept yourself. If you are not in stable, confident, self sustaining place then all you would be doing is latching on to someone else to support both of you. Love can't happen until both people are content with life, and themselves. Also, I have come to find, that those people who are most unsure of themselves, seem to be the people willing to risk the least when it comes to relationships. They are the people who will date person after person, quick to fill the void but also quick to tear the other person apart in their brains. Afraid to put anything out on the line, for fear of being hurt. Needing attention and affection from everyone and anyone, so they can feel loved and wanted. Always trying to obtain the unobtainable and talking themselves out of it once it's in their grasp. It's more about what other people would think about that person, or what you yourself can get from that person. Believe me- I would know. But when you know who you are- the idea of getting hurt doesn't hurt so much. You realize it's not about "doing better" or "making that person jealous" as it is about just starting over and trying again. You realize it's not about making every person want you, or fall in love with you, because in the end none of that matters. You start to see people as they are- imperfect beings with good intentions, and instead of treating them like some catalog- you start to just look for the person who makes you the happiest. It isn't about who is the best looking, the smartest, the most capable- but instead who makes you smile when you wake up in the morning. Who you can live without- but would rather not. 

The key to love isn't fate, or instant chemistry- it's self improvement, timing, and a willingness to lay it all down on the line- regardless of the outcome.