Kissing Chronicles 2- Biggest Regrets

I hope that I am not the only one who looks back at certain moments of her past and feels her insides cringe. I find it ironic that the most dramatic relationship I was ever in was my first one. It set a wonderful precedent of my dating life- I am sure. And interviewing this very patient man was torture for me- because I was so incredibly embarrassed at who I used to be. So I ask very nicely my wonderful audience-please don't judge me.

Middle school is the worst years of  a kids life.  Across the board I think this is an accurate statement. Middle school and middle school politics do the most damage on girls. When I entered middle school, I allowed myself to get lost in the currant of self hate, and self deprecation. I hit a low point in my life and it was at this time that I started dating the poor sucker. We met as tiny children, went to different schools, and then re-met each other when he dated one of my best friends. During that time we became friends, and when my friend crushed him- I was right there willing to be the "rebound". He was the first person to educate me on what it meant to be a woman.

You'd think, with my parents, the topic of sex would be an easy one. But that is only reoccurring topic once you know the basics- and that is what my parents neglected to explain properly to me. I was the girl who always asked the awkward questions that everyone else seemed to know the answer to. Growing up with no brothers- I was very unaware of many terms, facts, and truths of life. And Melody (that's what I shall call this boy) was quick to explain them patiently to me. I'm not saying we got it on- heck I hadn't even had my first kiss at this point. I am saying I had most of my "Oh that's what that means, or "that's how that works" moments with him. He thought I was purposely playing stupid and that was my innocent way of trying to be "sexy" but honestly I was just naive and sheltered. But I am flattered that he thought I was that conniving at such a young age.

He was my first kiss. I remember growing up being quite a romantic- thinking that a first kiss would be some big explosion of emotion- and being very disappointed.I'm not pointing a finger at the boys kissing ( I don't even remember it) but instead at my first realization that life is not a fairy tale.

7th Grade at the movies with our boyfriends (not in picture)

But it was a great growing place for me. I made every mistake a girl could possibly make in a relationship. I  tried my hardest to find happiness in myself through him. I would create drama for the sake of drama. When I looked back on it- I always thought that I stepped all over the poor kid. I remembered times would I would purposely misinterpret conversations because I wanted him to have to fight for me. I remembered the times I would accuse him of wanting someone else because I wanted the self affirmation. We were both young (7th grade) and yet every conversation centered around the future- our future together. I don't think I ever actually believed we would end up together- but I became addicted to the idea of someone wanting to be with me for forever. Which I think many women still get lost in that hazy area of confusing love with wanting to be important enough to be loved. 

I thought I broke his heart when I ended things but it turns out not every person can be the one who got away. And certainly not when that person left you in 7th grade, and filled your life with nothing but drama. Yet while talking (and profusely apologizing) to this individual he told me things about myself that I hadn't ever thought/noticed but were accurate.

I thought I was manipulating him - but instead I really was just trying to fill a void in my self esteem. Yes he confirmed and played my games- but he didn't do them because he "loved me" and was "letting me walk all over him" but because he felt sorry for me and my low self esteem. He realized, even at an early age, that a person that needs to play those games- isn't truly satisfied with themselves and their own situation.

I'd like to think that I've evolved a lot- instead of playing those games, demanding attention every second, being obsessed with PDA, and feeling the need to play out some epic love story (all things he pointed out that I did) I turned into a girl most likely to leave her phone in the car and not text back until the next day, reluctant to display any sign of affection in front of others, slow to use the word "boyfriend", and hesitant to put all my eggs in one basket. Apparently I doted on Melody too much- and yet that is a constant complaint from recent boyfriends that I wasn't willing to dote at all. So how did I get from one side of the spectrum to the other?

Yet, years later he could still peg my personality. I'm still a social butterfly- and he pointed out that I probably need someone who can balance my silly side with my serious side because I value both. I still look for that- someone willing to dress up crazy and giggle like five year olds, then sit and have soul bearing conversations. Yet he also pointed out that I fear being too serious  and deep with people (Which is why when I do, I start to care for the person more).  He went on to explain " For example, the fact that you can draw a harem of men, yet don't really develop any meaningful relationships with them (based on what I remember back then). I'd say you needed learn how to develop "real" connections with people. Ones not based upon banter and trivial small-talk. I guess the ability to be more serious in general." He also told me back then I would point out all my own flaws before the person could themselves- something I am still quick to do.

What did I learn? Playing games to get the other person to care is just annoying- and a sign of low self esteem and a lack of faith in the relationship. I somehow went from too open to too closed, and need to find a happy medium. Not every man regrets loosing you- even if you did leave. And we do really stupid things in middle school.

Oh and I am sorry Melody. For making your life hell back then and afterwords. You treated me like a princess- with all the patience and poetry (good combination) and I re-payed you with a lifetime of drama. If I can ever change that- please let me know.