Breaking Up is Hard to Do

As of this week I have five close girls who have all contacted me because they were broken up with. And as I put together girls afternoons, talked on the phone until the early hours of the morning, wrote supportive messages, and made treats -I found common patterns. Being a girl recently out of a relationship stinks.

When you've been single for an extended period of time it's hard to empathize because you think to yourself 'at least you were IN a relationship'. And if you're in a happy relationship it's hard to empathize because you are blinded by the ease of which you are moving.  It's easy to say "he's a tool, move on", "Oh I have someone great I will hook you up with", and think to yourself 'why does she care?' We easily forget the pain, the longing, and all the reasons that make a girl want to dress up naked in his closet with a knife. So here it is girls- I am writing a list of my reasons breaking up stinks to remind all those who can't empathize with you're pan, and the top ten ways to recover. I wish you all the best and I am always here.

Top Ten Reasons Breaking Up sucks.
1. The Backup Information
Dating is like taking a course- and the other person is the material you are studying. Every day you are learning more and more about them. their habits, their dislikes, until you can compile a textbook of information. And once the relationship is over you still have a backup disc of all that useless information running through your head. Every time you see shellfish (which he's deathly allergic too), Pokemon cards (which make him giddy like a five year old child), or put on your favorite school girl socks (the fastest way to turn him on) you will once again be reminded of how much time you wasted. All that information will never be handy or useful again.
2.  The Day Dreams
It doesn't matter how it ended- every girl has a little part of her that wishes it would change. He could have cheated on you with your mother, and the girl will still have a tiny part of her that wishes he would come to her with a diamond neckless and some really good excuse. Your mind makes up fantasies that he will show up at your class to tell you he made a mistake in leaving you, or show up outside your work with flowers in his hand and "I love you" on his lips, or hope every time she opens her door that he might be on the other side ready to just kiss her until she forgets the past. These daydreams delude and break your heart every time you walk out of work and there is no person by your car.
3. The Pride Factor-
The part that hurts the most is knowing someone had the opportunity to get to know you- all the small quirks about you. And that for some reason, you let them in and they didn't like what they saw enough to keep it. You can be chased by fifteen other men, all more handsome and more successful, and your mind will still be thinking about the one person who didn't want you. Knowing that there is someone out there in this world, that doesn't think you are good enough for them, regardless of whether or not they are good enough for you, torments you.
4.Gossip Sessions
Girls talk about every little thing. They will analyze every little detail to make more sense of everything, and to get affirmation from their friends that they are doing the right thing. Then the information spreads to the man that the girl is still hung up on it. The information the girls gets back- nothing. Boys will just say "eh it didn't work out" with no further explanation needed. If they are still yearning for you, or have some affection for you- they won't tell anyone. So then you feel like a crazy person because you feel the need to tell the world how hurt you are, while he remains a emotionless mute. 
5. Loosing your best friend-
Typically the person you date becomes the person you are the closest to. After a relationship it is impossible to go back to being that persons friend- nor would you want to. But the weeks that follow- you are constantly reminded that you can't speak to that person. You find yourself starting a text to tell them something funny that happened, or about to call their number when you need someone to calm you down- only to realize that for all intents and purposes you can not call. You have to pretend that person is dead to you, and restrain yourself from contacting them. Because contacting them would make you look desperate, and so instead you become aware all over again about how lonely you are in the world. 
6. What Went Wrong-
This is the thing that keeps girl up until odd hours of the night. You rethink the entire relationship and every step taken. You wonder what sentences, what joke, what desperate text sent him fleeing. You wonder what would have happened if you hadn't done that, hadn't said that, and you start to beat yourself senseless with the 'what ifs'.  Suddenly you take the blame for his ending things, and see it as a personal reflection. Every day you go over the same situations trying to find your fatal misstep. 
7. Seeking the deep level-
There is a reason it is called "rebound time". Because for the weeks following, you could have Brad Pitt throw himself at your feet, and it wouldn't matter. You could go on three dates a day, with perfect men, but you won't really be seeing them. The reason is you, typically, just came from something deep, and going on dates is just playing in the shallow end of the pool. You are seeking something as strong, and deep as the thing you just got out of- and you can not find that in someone else immediately after. The worst part is you could be across from a man who is everything you've ever wanted and clearly fits the bill better then the heartbreak before BUT your body will still crave the wrong person because of what you HAD- no matter how dysfunctional it was.
8. Doesn't feel over-
This one is the hardest. Sometimes the relationships that are the hardest to get over are the ones where you only dated for a short amount of time. The long relationships have time to fizzle out, so that in the end you can honestly say you tried everything and agree it just wasn't right. But the relationships that end abruptly are the ones that never feel over. You still feel like there is more to the story- like all you have to do is SOMETHING and it can all be fixed. Your mind starts trying to find some solution for something you know that you can't right. You start thinking maybe if you wore something hot to a class you share together, show up to his party with a date, date one of his friends, text him about something stupid- maybe just maybe it will be the glue to fix it all.  You keep holding his place in your life, hoping he will bound through that open door.
9. There are too many ways to milk the pain-
Movies tell you that he will eventually step up to the plate, your friends and potential boyfriends all beat it into your head that you are worth it and he will see that, every song reminds you of him, you smell his cologne on your date that night, you feel the need to check his facebook every day only to see the proof all over that he has clearly moved on and you have clearly not. Sometimes you are lulled into a false sense of security- having a great week without a thought of him, and then you hear someone talking about his favorite band and it all comes crashing down. You take that small defeat and it starts the cycle of pain all over again. 
10. Knowing you can be easily replaced-
Men don't work like women do. Six months of heart bearing, and soul searching, and they can end it, and be on to the next woman a day later. They aren't sitting there rethinking everything, they are out enjoying their new found single life. They don't feel the need to rehash things, talk over things, or even think twice before their tongue is down someone else's throat. We girls like to think of ourselves as the "one that got away" but he will leave little illusion that he feels that way. Chances are the things he does talk about are the reasons he didn't like you, or you didn't measure up- to women that are now surpassing you in that category. While you are telling some guy on bended knee how hurt you are, and asking for time to recover- he is now dating someone else.

Ways to Recover Over Time
1. Don't check their facebook-
stop milking the pain, and stalking him to see who the new girl is. It only reopens those wounds and that obsession.
2. Service-
You forget your own problems when you take the time to serve someone else. You also remember how small the dating problems are compared to actual problems.
3. Don't compare dates-
Enjoy getting to know people. Don't compare them to each other, because it will just make you look for another them- which typically isn't what you need which is why it didn't work out the first time around. 
4. Enjoy life
-Stay busy, read, hang out with friends, dance in your underwear. Don't sit at home lingering in the pain because it is not going to solve anything. Only make you more miserable. Besides the fastest way to move on is to live your life, and it's also the best revenge. The less you think about the person- the more it will drive them insane and you will be able to find a life full of parties, dates, and good friends- all the things we forget during a relationship.
5.Write a thankful list
6.Get a small revenge-
I am not saying go out and slash his tires, but something small that makes you feel better about yourself. Is it wearing the skirt he always hated and looking hot in it, going on a date with one of his friends, changing your profile picture to his favorite picture of you, flirt with the person he was always jealous of, wear his favorite bikini to the pool- something small that doesn't affect him directly and reminds you how awesome you are. Don't do it for a reaction out of him- do it to boost your confidence and then let it be done. Remember- don't cheat karma out of it's course because it has a better revenge then you could ever plan. Don't do any big revenge- because that lets him and the whole world know what a hold he has on you and that hold is what we are trying to break.
7. Let yourself play out the 'what if' future-
In a magazine there was a survey and it showed that women are more likely to cheat on their spouse with the one that got away if they tell themselves NOT to think about it. The theory is that if you tell yourself not to do it- you are planting  ideas in your head. It said that if you allow yourself to truly think about the future, not just the happy times, but the ending too- you will realize how futile it is. So imagine a future with that person- and all the flaws that you know would have driven you insane. Imagine how they got moody when they were tired, how you failed to communicate, how he never once did anything super sweet to you- and imagine how you reacted- making things more dramatic to try to force emotion out of him, trying to overcompensate with his lack of emotion with abundance on your part, and think of the times when you felt used and unappreciated. Remember that this would have continued, and imagine how unhappy you would have been in the future.
8. Kiss or not to kiss-
It is said by many that the fastest way to recover from someone is to drown your sorrows in someone else. This is a double edged sword though. For some it works- kissing someone else breaks all illusions that you had of the other person and it dawns on you- I really can get better. Other times it just makes you miss the other person more because the kiss holds/means nothing. So this can be helpful, or it can increase the pain. Know yourself well enough to know the outcome.  But make sure to enjoy the affections of others- and constantly remind yourself "Yes I am wanted"
9. Express yourself- 
Find a way to channel the emotion. Sing, dance, do a scene, write a blog, talk to friends over and over again until you can hear their generated responses in your head. Let other people tell you how much they hated him, and find a healthy way to use the momentary pain. 
10.Write a list of what you want in a person
Chances are he isn't what you actually wanted. We as girls tend to go for men that want us the least, even though we instinctively know they aren't the best for us. And then once our pride is shattered we put that person with the gall to do it up on some platform. We are so busy being hurt we don't look into the fact that we don't actually want someone like him. We are so busy feeling butthurt we don't think about the fact that the kisses weren't actually that good, he was selfish, how insecure you felt around him, or the fact that he has no ambitions in life. We choose to cling to some good moments, instead of remembering things how they actually were. Just remember that now that you are free of him and his problems- you are free. This step apart from the wrong one brings you one step closer to the right one.

My moral of story is- breaking up sucks. Yes. It does. But it also brings you one step closer to the right person. Enjoy life. It is beautiful even when you don't have someone to make out with at every second. Enjoy being you, and don't take it as a personal offense when you aren't right for someone. If you ever need anything- I am here. And I apologize because I realize not all men are the men I described.