"What the hell are you looking for? What can I do that would make you like me, want me , or want to be with me?"
Variations of this question have been running through my head for weeks, but I don't think I understood how pertinent the question would be until it was yelled into my own face. As I stood across from him, his eyes pleading with mine, his hands motioning in the air as he half yelled/half begged, it dawned on me- I am a terrible person. I have spent all week ranting, and raving about the injustice of it all- how used I felt, how hurt I was, how much my heart ached- when I was putting someone else through the same torture. I tried to explain, but the words didn't taste right in my mouth. Call it karma, call it irony, call it amusing that someone warned me just tonight to be careful with boys hearts- what ever you would call it- I am calling it fate.
Despite the fact that I am very open and honest about almost any emotion that I feel- I am constantly told I am a "player". I guess that would be the term people would use. I have heard other variations, some buttered up like "heart breaker" and others have called me more crass things such as "maneater", "fake", and "man feelings". I guess if I admit I have issues when it comes to opening up- then we are getting one step closer to solving them. I always figured if you didn't kiss them, made it clear you weren't looking for a relationship, and didn't talk about your feelings at all- then there was no harm to saying yes to date after date, or flirting back. I liked knowing I could just text a guy and I wouldn't have to pay for dinner that night, I could easily pull a string and have a boyfriend at any time I wanted to, or that I would always have men to help me with things I need around the house. I also loved being able to be part of their lives- a friend that they just took out a lot. I figured that they would always either get tired of the inconsistency that was me, or continue to ask me out on dates because they were lonely and weren't looking for anything. Now and then people go above and beyond the line of duty to "have" me, I let them down gently, and we remain good friends never to discuss dating again.
I have a hard time actually opening up. I put up a wall because I am so afraid to let someone in to get too close and hurt me all over again. I'm afraid if they get to know me well enough they might discover underneath everything - I am weak, I am scared, and I am crawling with faults. So I mask it in fake honesty, a bubbly personality, and dating man after man to feel wanted. It's easier to tear someone else apart, then to find the good things in them, like them, and be in a vulnerable position to get hurt. It's easier to put walls up then risk any effort or emotion. But I have learned better.
I have learned it's best, when you feel emotions, to accept them instead of try to avoid them, or worse try to force the other person to reciprocate. I have learned that love is a risk two people have to be willing to make. Recently I felt someone was trying to get me to open the doors, and I stayed distanced- smiling at the fact that I knew I could keep my emotions contained in a room of myself. Then I trusted him when he told me he was opening the door- trusted that it was safe for me to do so as well. And for the first time since EX FI, I did. I started to put myself on the line, dream, be vulnerable. The insecurities came rushing back to me, because when you feel something -it's scary. I kept trying to check- to make sure it was safe for me to open up- and I started to put my foot in the door, until I realized I was just pushing against a closed door. And while I have been starring at that door I realized a lot- it's worth it.
It's worth it to put your heart on the line. I am sorry for all the people I didn't give a chance, all the people I have hurt, and all the people that tried to make me realize this.
The final thing running through my head is this monologue.
No you didn't ask me out on a date. But I'd rather be like this than be like you. Sure I may dissect every little thing, and I may put myself out there too much, but at least that means I still care. You think you've won because women are expendable to you? You may not get hurt, or make an ass of yourself that way- but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. You're alone, Alex. I may do a lot of stupid sh((... ...but I know I'm a lot closer to finding someone than you are.
I still plan on dating a lot- but this time not for the satisfaction of knowing I can attract men. Not because I need someone to like me, or for the free meals- but because I am ready to learn how to do this right. I don't want to sit looking at my past and wonder what I could have done differently. Wonder if I could have crushed something worthwhile with my own fears and insecurities. Thank you mr. wrong, and thank you vicitum number one for teaching me. I know I am worth taking chances for, just as the person that is standing next to me in at the end of the road- will have been worth opening up to as well.
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